I don’t have a lot of optimism in me lately.
Yesterday, it was literally just gapang to make it through tasks and responsibilities. I turned down a writing gig because I couldn’t find the mental space to do it, even missed a business opportunity, and it took me the whole day to get my brain to work on a research title that was due at 11:59PM. Like I said, literal na gapang. Before the clock struck twelve, I received news of one of our teachers in La Salle who passed away due to Covid. That was the 2nd news of death that day-— first was a family friend. Still due to covid.
Sometimes I’m just really tired of looking at the bright side. You’d think healing would look like everything’s just going up once you decide you wanted to walk away from something that does you no good anymore. I saw something again yesterday that made me question just how far along I am really with this whole ‘walking away’ thing. I wanted to process it with some people I usually run to for comfort but I was thinking, “maoy na sad ta ani, Kimi? Aren’t we done with this shiyet?” I myself’s honestly tired going in circles with this heartache. It’s been what, six years? And I’m still here? Really? I can feel people around me getting tired of the same bullshit too. And I’m quite anxious I’d have the same effect on my army friends. As much as possible I don’t want to bring that thing up anymore to these wonderful people. I was able to unload it to one of my college prof-turned-family and it was nice to be reminded that the more I push for healing to come, the more it’s gonna hurt. I have to acknowledge it and try to get past it. Not really a very hard concept but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to do. But I’m better than I used to be, if anything I have grown so much I can get past it. In Elizabeth Schuyler’s words, “and i’m trying not to cry cuz there is nothing that your mind can’t do”. Repeat to self ‘til it sinks in.
Today’s a little bit lighter though. I woke up to a video of BTS and Coldplay’s Chris Martin jamming to their new song My Universe, which I am already in love with. It’s going to be released on the 24th of this month, and I’m so happy knowing that this is such a dream come true especially for Taehyung (one of the BTS members) because he’s been wanting to collaborate with them for the longest time. And I’m pretty sure this song is going to be a huge hit. I had this curated mixtape of ColdTan songs while making my morning coffee and I guess that snippet of My Universe started my morning right that my coffee tasted so good. I went on to doing Cessna’s Tuesday activities, managed to even clean the house, etc in preparation for a visitor coming over. I got to finish my research intro two hours before its due date. Not even halfway through today, BTS went to the Blue House to meet up with the president of South Korea to receive their diplomat passports and will accompany their president as Special Envoys of Future Generation and Cultures to the 76th UN General Assembly. Fist-bumping the president. It’s such a huge thing and even though I’ve only been army for five months, and I only know a quarter of what they had to go through but already I am so proud of them. Legit started from the bottom now we’re here typa thing.
I bought something for myself today too. Something that I decided not to think whether this is smart of me to spend money on, but more on because I wanted this for myself. I pre-ordered the Coldplay x BTS CD and also an unsealed Butter album. At least this time, I’m giving myself something I want, you know? I mean I worked hard, I at least deserve this little indulgence. My cousin also came over to visit. The first visitor I had in over a year. We basically grew up together, only got separated when we went to different universities and different regions for work. A moment of hesitation to have her come over because will I ever be ready to tell her all the shit I’ve been through, the insecurities etc etc. But you know what? I ended up having a great time with her. The times we come over each other’s houses and our laughters ringing through the entire room and our parents complaining were one of my fondest childhood memories. Some things just don’t change.
All in all today’s such a great day. The first time I feel lighter after like weeks. It feels nicer to be able to write all of this down and ending this with such hopes again. I am reminded of what Namjoon said during his Vlive yesterday,
“Every day is a war to me. I really hate that but there’s nothing I can do right now. It’s just living. Just life. After this -— sick and tired war --— passes by, after that we’ll be getting back to the track and where we were and yeah, that’s my hope. That’s all I got right now, I think. Just doing what I can do, still.”
So I am gonna keep going. Living.
Thanks for being here.
-Kimi
Currently…
Watching Record of Youth. Just because I’ve been crushing on Park Bo Gum since I watched him in Encounter. He’s a cutie pie and I love those dimples. I’ve been watching a lot of kdramas these days to keep me afloat.
Listening to Marielle’s curated ColdTan mixtape. She really matched the vibe of coldtan songs alternately for better listening experience. Will be here until My Universe drops. <3
Reading The House We Built for Ourselves by Audrey. I’m not much of a poetry person but the first time I read a snippet of her poetry book, I wanted to read it. All the profits of her poetry book will go to an ARMY hosted education-related project Learn With Army PH.
Working on a new project for Circe, my small scented candle business on instagram. Looking through possible lay out designs and concepts, etc.
Grateful for supportive army moots that always promote and support my small business whenever they can. I swear their mentions of my scented candle business has been such a huge marketing boost. Kamsahamnida! Borahae!
…and of course, forever grateful to BTS whose mere existence has been such huge salvation on everyone’s mental health.
"Not really a very hard concept but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to do."
So true! And sometimes it be hard when you have low to zero energy. *cue I sleep my problems away meme*
Let's keep living, Kimi!